Just to bring you up to speed....

If you haven’t already heard, I have been diagnosed with infertility. Yes, diagnosed. It is a disease and a medical condition, not a form of birth control, unlike the state of Arizona believes it to be since they don’t offer any sort of medical insurance.


When I was 21 years old I had a very large cyst called a Cystadenoma that basically got so large and tangled in my right fallopian tube that it cut off blood supply and caused it to flip over, essentially killing it. I had no idea at that time that there was anything wrong with me. I remember I was at work and all of a sudden began to have the most excruciating pain I have ever felt and started throwing up. I thought for sure I had appendicitis and it ruptured and I felt like I was going to die. I was in the ER, lying in bed, waiting for the results of the CT scan to come back when the doctor walked in with this grim look on his face. I thought, ok, he’s gonna say, we need to take you to surgery, you have acute appendicitis… but what he said is not something that any 21 year old young woman wants to hear, especially while she’s in excruciating pain, and is an Italian raised by a bunch of New Yorkers. His words were, “ it looks like you have a rather large mass near your right ovary, you’re going to need surgery”. I don’t remember how long it was before I had the surgery, but I didn’t know going into it what was going to happen. When I woke up, they told me that they were sorry but they couldn’t save my ovary or my fallopian tube. Talk about waking up to bad news. I healed up ok and was told by my OBGYN that I would be ok with having kids… it just might take a little longer due to only having one side of the necessary organs. Being 21 I wasn’t too overly concerned at that moment in time. Then about 6 months later, I got another cyst, this time on the left side. I recognized the pain early and was able to have then get it out before it did any damage, so I thought (the damage came later but I’ll get to that). So then my doctor changed his tune a little. He told me that if I wanted to have kids, I should start trying now because I could have problems later. My husband at the time was not thrilled about that idea. Needless to say, no babies. My husband and I divorced a short time later.

Gene and I have been together now for a little over two years and he has been nothing but supportive of me through this entire journey. He and I have been friends since high school and we even dated the year after we graduated up until he left for the Navy. We’re now engaged to be married and I couldn’t be happier.

We started seeing a fertility specialist about a year and a half ago. This doctor was reportedly one of the best in the nation and he has clients from all over. I didn’t think about the negative parts of that, only the positive. My stay with him was short lived. As soon as he saw that I am peri-menopausal due to my hormones and my only existing fallopian tube is completely blocked off by years of scar tissue build up he basically fired me as a patient. Awesome. Another bridge to cross. Then, after about 6 months of grieving, a very good friend of mine, my partner in crime and my partner in battle told me that I should seek a second opinion and go see her doctor. He is amazing and has told me that he won’t give up. I have had all the re-testing done and still am peri-menopausal and still have a blocked fallopian tube and still only have half the essential organs… but he has hope for me.

Two weeks ago today I had my third surgery. They were going to try to open my blocked tube and if they could, they were going to try artificial insemination. They were also going to remove what I have been referring to as my mystery mass that grew on the right hand side that strangely resembles an ovary. Looks like my ovary grew back! They were able to remove this ‘ovary’ successfully yet I still don’t know what it is. It was wedged between my uterus and my bladder. Unfortunately they couldn’t open up my fallopian tube. On to the next bridge I suppose. The good news was that my uterus looks healthy and I should have no problems carrying a baby. He is a little worried that my eggs that are being produced by my one ovary may not be healthy because of the lack of blood flow, but we will find out soon enough. Hopefully IVF will be the next step. Negative side to all of this… Arizona doesn’t recognize IVF as a needed medical procedure and it is not covered under insurance. I find it so sad that women who dump their infants in dumpsters and abuse their children are allowed to reproduce and it is not regulated, yet me and Gene who genuinely want to have a baby and would be great parents are being regulated by the state because of insurance. IVF costs tens of thousands of dollars, so we have a long road ahead of us! Im not giving up without a fight. Even if nothing changes before I have to sell my whole life to the fertility doctor, I plan on helping every other woman that is in my boat.

Well, today I will see my doctor again for the first time since my surgery. I am hoping that he will give me some good news like… “we can go ahead and start the IVF process!” That would be a nice break from the normal, “you have another cyst” or “you need another surgery”. Maybe I’ll find out what my mystery mass was too. Wish me luck.

Before I Share My Journey...

I thought that before I start sharing my journey with the world... I'd set the tone by sharing what I felt was the most fitting poem I have ever read. It will make anyone who has ever gone through or known someone who has experienced any form of infertility, shed a tear. Needless to say, it made me shed many.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.
~unknown