Forever Young

Since Landon has been here, I have been writing him letters about his days. I have been telling him what he’s done, silly things he has said, and memories we have made as a family here in Arizona. This is the first year I have done this for him and I wish I had done it in previous years. I am turning the letters into a scrapbook along with pictures so that when he is older, he will always have those memories. Being able to take a walk down memory lane is something that is really important to me so I want all of my children, including Landon, to have this experience… which  got me to thinking… why not start now? So, with that being said, I decided to start writing to my kid(s). Im writing one now, one when I am told that I am in fact pregnant by my IVF doctor, one after the birth and then after that… I’m thinking maybe milestones? Once a month? Once every 6 months? I haven’t decided on that part yet.. but I have time to think J

With all that I have been going through, I decided to share my first letter and put it out there for everyone to see. I hope that someday my kid(s) will read this letter and smile knowing that their Mom loved them so much before they were even a ripple in the Petri dish.

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June 23, 2011 

~My Dear Sweet Baby(s)~

This is my first letter to you and there will be many more to come. While I haven’t met you yet… or felt you move… or even seen you on a monitor… I want you to know that I love you more than words. I have been blessed with a unique opportunity to fall in love with you not only because I am your Mother, but because I am being forced to go to the ends of the earth to get you here with me. I am not yet pregnant with you but I can see your face(s), feel the touch of your soft skin, see your smile, and hear your laughter. I can see your Daddy’s face light up every time he sees you. Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. I have prayed for you to come naturally for years, but I think that this plan was what was in store for me and I am thankful for it now. It has made me a better person inside.  You and I have a special relationship… one that can’t be compared to any other. I love you for extra special reasons.. reasons that most mommy’s are not blessed with and for that I am thankful. It will be mine and your Daddy’s job in your life to make sure that you understand what life is all about… to help you and guide you through all the ups and downs. You don’t even know it yet, but you have shown me a side of life that I never knew existed …already. I promise to return the favor and guide you through life everyday.  A very smart man named Albert Einstein once said, "Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts." I have been able to see this situation as a positive one and I feel you in my heart always. It is YOU who is getting me through this. My first life lesson for you is to never give up. Don’t ever think you can’t, because you can. You can do anything you put your mind to. I learned this from your Grandma, but I have learned a whole new side of this now, more than ever.

I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always. As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.

Love,

Mommy.



We've Only Just Begun



Last night was shot #5  and was by far the easiest one yet. I completed the shot with only a flinch. I didn’t cry, wine, or walk numerous circles around the kitchen table trying to ease my pain while my husband says, “walk it off, walk it off babe, walk it off”.  Today, the only complaint I have really is a headache and some moodiness. My appetite is much better than it has been since Friday although I’m still not myself.  I am hoping this is a sign that it will only get easier, not worse. Considering it is only day 5 I feel that we are on a good path. Yesterday my two Kep boys walked in the door, each with their hands behind their back. I could see orange flowers peeking up over the top of the mini Kep's head but kept my surprise face.  On the count of 3, they each gave me a beautiful bouquet of flowers. This made my day! Knowing I have people behind me… supporting me through this entire journey… is what keeps my spirits up! Seeing the little step-dude’s face when he gave me my flowers was so sweet. While he has no idea what exactly is going on… he knew that he made my day a little easier and that was precious. Speaking of the mini Kep; people have asked me, “Does it make it harder for you going through this having a step son?” The answer to that question is, “No freakin’ way!  He makes this easier!”  That little  boy is the sweetest, kindest kid you will ever meet. His heart bleeds whenever yours does. I hope my kid(s) is just like his big brother. I will say this though… 6 year old + vegetables= pulling my hair out. Lets throw a variable in there and call it Lupron and I belong in the circus. Oh, and speaking of circus… we are taking Landon there tonight as a surprise! Should be a great way to get my mind off everything and just relax for a few hours. 5 shots down... approximately 27 to go!! Closer everyday....

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Oh, you know we've got to find a way... To bring some understanding here today

What's going on you ask? Yes, it has been a while. Not much has happened but at the same time we have progressed leaps and bounds. Here is what my life has entailed the past 4 days...

On Wednesday of last week I got a call from my beloved IVF nurse, Kim. Her and I have become BFF’s… well she has become my BFF… I would imagine the feeling is NOT mutual J She had nothing but good news for me and I was so excited! We were moving along! The next step was to call on cycle day 1. This made me anxious because I knew that cycle day 1 SHOULD be in about 5 days… however I knew it wouldn’t come… and I was right. So then this past Wednesday… a week later, Kim called me again to see when I thought cycle day 1 would be.. my response was, “It should have been 5 days ago, so I have no clue”. Of course. She decided to send me in for blood work to see if I had ovulated. If I had, then I had the option to not take birth control and do shots only. That would mean that I would have to do 2 more weeks of shots than originally anticipated. This actually sounded good to me because even just thinking about birth control makes me want to vomit. Seriously, just looking at a piece of candy that slightly resembles a birth control pill I go into dry heaves SO… this was somewhat exciting news… I might not have to take birth control… now just to get past the blood work. We have learned in the past that I most definitely do not ovulate each month. This was a shot in the dark. I went in for blood work on Thursday. I sat down in the cold plastic chair and placed my arm in the ever so familiar position. The phlebotomist asked me, “Do you have a preferred arm?” to which I responded, “ Yep, the one with the deep crater in it”. He laughed at me… I have to make light of the dark situation I am in. We chatted while 4 tubes filled with my blood. I got to choose, pink or green tape… I chose pink. Afterward, I went and got Only 8 Frozen Yogurt… my favorite… and a tradition  for after blood draws because it is right next door. I hardly slept that night because of how nervous I was. At least this whole IVF thing is preparing me for a baby in the sense that I do not sleep much. Friday morning, Kim called me. I was terrified to pick up the phone… but to my surprise she had good news.. I ovulated! I could not wait to leave work that day… I was going to pick up my medication at the Apothecary! Once 3 o’clock finally came around, I left work and headed to the shop.. I picked up my medication vile and needles and ran home. As soon as Gene got home, we decided on a time to give myself the shot everyday (it has to be at the same time). We decided on 9 o’clock. We knew we would both be home at that time and about to go to bed.

Shot, Day 1: I removed the cap from the vile, removed the cap from the needle, stared at the needle, stared at the vile, looked at Gene, and said , “I’m scared”. His response was, “ Really? You use needles every day at work….” This was different, and he understood. I was giving myself a shot… this was new. I placed the needle in the vile and drew back 20 cc’s of medication. My heart started racing. I pinched my stomach, cleaned it with rubbing alcohol, waited about 20 seconds, and stuck myself. I plunged the liquid into my stomach and watched it go from 20 cc’s, 10 cc’s, down to zero. I immediately had a bruise where the needle had been. I sighed… not much else was said.


Shot, Day 2: Gene went to a football game and wasn’t going to be home till about 10:30… but he wanted me to wait for him… so I did. When he got home, he took over preparing the needle for me. The process went slightly smoother than day 1, however the aftermath was horrendous.  Immediately after I removed the needle (this time from the right side of my tummy) I started bawling. I fell into Gene’s arms and cried. He knew it wasn’t from the pain of the needle, or the stinging of the medication as it enters my skin, but from the disbelief that I am having to go through this. It was a moment of weakness… a moment of “why me?”. I needed it… and I am sure I will need it again.


At this point in time I was starting to feel some of the side effects I was told and read could happen. Some of the symptoms I may or may not experience while taking this drug include:


dizziness, general body pain, headache, hot flashes, loss of appetite, nausea or vomiting, stuffy nose, trouble sleeping, weakness, breast tenderness, constipation, decreased sexual desire or ability, sweating; infection (fever, chills, sore throat), nausea or vomiting, pain, redness, or swelling at the injection site.


Wow.


So far… the general body pain, hot flashes, loss of appetite, headaches, and weakness are the worst. I have also had some numbness and tingling in my hands and legs which is kinda weird… oh and did I mention.. I AM INSANE!!! One minute I love life and everyone around me, the next, I want to take my husband and through him against the wall, let my dogs run through the streets, and lock myself in the bathroom and never come out. I will say however; I am not hating the loss of appetite thing!


As time goes on, I hope this gets easier. I am trying to keep positive, pray, talk to my Gramma, do everything I can to get myself through this. I know I am not alone in this… but that does not make it any easier. I have 4-5 weeks of the shots… 3 shots down… approximately 32 more to go. I can do this.


In the end, I have to keep asking myself, “Is this worth having a child?” My response to myself is and always will be…”without a doubt in my mind”.

My 9 o’clock date