On Wednesday of last week I got a call from my beloved IVF nurse, Kim. Her and I have become BFF’s… well she has become my BFF… I would imagine the feeling is NOT mutual J She had nothing but good news for me and I was so excited! We were moving along! The next step was to call on cycle day 1. This made me anxious because I knew that cycle day 1 SHOULD be in about 5 days… however I knew it wouldn’t come… and I was right. So then this past Wednesday… a week later, Kim called me again to see when I thought cycle day 1 would be.. my response was, “It should have been 5 days ago, so I have no clue”. Of course. She decided to send me in for blood work to see if I had ovulated. If I had, then I had the option to not take birth control and do shots only. That would mean that I would have to do 2 more weeks of shots than originally anticipated. This actually sounded good to me because even just thinking about birth control makes me want to vomit. Seriously, just looking at a piece of candy that slightly resembles a birth control pill I go into dry heaves SO… this was somewhat exciting news… I might not have to take birth control… now just to get past the blood work. We have learned in the past that I most definitely do not ovulate each month. This was a shot in the dark. I went in for blood work on Thursday. I sat down in the cold plastic chair and placed my arm in the ever so familiar position. The phlebotomist asked me, “Do you have a preferred arm?” to which I responded, “ Yep, the one with the deep crater in it”. He laughed at me… I have to make light of the dark situation I am in. We chatted while 4 tubes filled with my blood. I got to choose, pink or green tape… I chose pink. Afterward, I went and got Only 8 Frozen Yogurt… my favorite… and a tradition for after blood draws because it is right next door. I hardly slept that night because of how nervous I was. At least this whole IVF thing is preparing me for a baby in the sense that I do not sleep much. Friday morning, Kim called me. I was terrified to pick up the phone… but to my surprise she had good news.. I ovulated! I could not wait to leave work that day… I was going to pick up my medication at the Apothecary! Once 3 o’clock finally came around, I left work and headed to the shop.. I picked up my medication vile and needles and ran home. As soon as Gene got home, we decided on a time to give myself the shot everyday (it has to be at the same time). We decided on 9 o’clock. We knew we would both be home at that time and about to go to bed.
Shot, Day 1: I removed the cap from the vile, removed the cap from the needle, stared at the needle, stared at the vile, looked at Gene, and said , “I’m scared”. His response was, “ Really? You use needles every day at work….” This was different, and he understood. I was giving myself a shot… this was new. I placed the needle in the vile and drew back 20 cc’s of medication. My heart started racing. I pinched my stomach, cleaned it with rubbing alcohol, waited about 20 seconds, and stuck myself. I plunged the liquid into my stomach and watched it go from 20 cc’s, 10 cc’s, down to zero. I immediately had a bruise where the needle had been. I sighed… not much else was said.
Shot, Day 2: Gene went to a football game and wasn’t going to be home till about 10:30… but he wanted me to wait for him… so I did. When he got home, he took over preparing the needle for me. The process went slightly smoother than day 1, however the aftermath was horrendous. Immediately after I removed the needle (this time from the right side of my tummy) I started bawling. I fell into Gene’s arms and cried. He knew it wasn’t from the pain of the needle, or the stinging of the medication as it enters my skin, but from the disbelief that I am having to go through this. It was a moment of weakness… a moment of “why me?”. I needed it… and I am sure I will need it again.
At this point in time I was starting to feel some of the side effects I was told and read could happen. Some of the symptoms I may or may not experience while taking this drug include:
dizziness, general body pain, headache, hot flashes, loss of appetite, nausea or vomiting, stuffy nose, trouble sleeping, weakness, breast tenderness, constipation, decreased sexual desire or ability, sweating; infection (fever, chills, sore throat), nausea or vomiting, pain, redness, or swelling at the injection site.
Wow.
So far… the general body pain, hot flashes, loss of appetite, headaches, and weakness are the worst. I have also had some numbness and tingling in my hands and legs which is kinda weird… oh and did I mention.. I AM INSANE!!! One minute I love life and everyone around me, the next, I want to take my husband and through him against the wall, let my dogs run through the streets, and lock myself in the bathroom and never come out. I will say however; I am not hating the loss of appetite thing!
As time goes on, I hope this gets easier. I am trying to keep positive, pray, talk to my Gramma, do everything I can to get myself through this. I know I am not alone in this… but that does not make it any easier. I have 4-5 weeks of the shots… 3 shots down… approximately 32 more to go. I can do this.
In the end, I have to keep asking myself, “Is this worth having a child?” My response to myself is and always will be…”without a doubt in my mind”.
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| My 9 o’clock date |
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