embryos

 

Baby boy in 3D at around 14 weeks

baby girl on the right and baby boy on the left at 20 weeks

Too Busy Thinkin Bout My Baby... (in my case... Babies)

Wayyyy back on September 13th... I blogged in anticipation of our BIG day. The day we had been waiting for, for years. I thought about what I would write on the day I found out either YES you're PREGNANT or sorry, we did not have success this cycle. I knew in my mind what I would say either way... but that all went out the window when I saw those two pink lines on September 22nd, 2011... and again on September 23rd... and again on September 24th... let's just say I spent way too much money on pregnancy tests... but it was SO worth it!

I had always imagined what that day would be like. I was starting to think those stupid pregnancy tests were a joke. It was better than I ever could have imagined. Yes, I went against the advice of so many people and took my pregnancy tests early... but it was great because I was able to get excited all over again when I went in for blood tests a week later and got that call from my favorite doctor in the whole world... Dr. Johnson... who said, "You and Gene have success"!! They were words spoken from the heart. He was truly as excited as we were and that made it even more memorable.

A week later, we went in for our first scan. I was seriously more nervous about the first scan than I was about the IVF transfer! I knew in my heart that I wouldn't be let down and that I would become pregnant... but I had no idea what the future would hold.. what the scan would reveal.. what the next 9 months would be like. Seeing those two black blobs on the screen was even more exciting than seeing the two pink lines. Who knew pink lines and black blobs would be the most memorable and exciting visuals in my life thus far... and no that is not a reflection of my life.. it is just truly that amazing. IT'S TWINS!!! Truly a miracle. They both had flickering hearts which took our breath away. We're going to be parents.

Now, I said that I would come back and blog about all this much sooner than I actually am. Considering I am more than halfway through my pregnancy I would say that I have epically failed as a blogger... but what can I say... i've been busy! My pregnancy has not been the easiest so far. We started out with a bleeding episode at 10 weeks that landed me in the hospital (when I say bleeding episode I mean it literally looked like I was being murdered... terrifying). I cried the whole way to the hospital at 3a.m. thinking that I had lost one or both of my twins. It was the longest 2 hour wait in that emergency room waiting to be taken to the ultrasound room while simultaneously bleeding and hooked up to an IV. Gene and I finally got to go back to the ultrasound room. The nurse was sweet and tyring to joke with us, but I was clearly in no mood. She starts the ultrasound and I was shaking violently between being freezing and terrified at the same time. Of course in the hospital it's not like the doctor's office where you can see the happiness on the screen in front of you... they hide the screen from you... and then Gene says, "they're moving!" I literally felt weight being lifted off my shoulders. The nurse said that all looked well.. and then all of a sudden we heard a heartbeat... for the first time. I burst into tears. I felt as though I had gotten my child back... even though I never lost either of them... but thinking I had was enough to kill me. Seeing Gene's face while watching his babies, hearing their hearts beat, and seeing his wife cry was so moving. I love him so much it makes me tear up just thinking back... not just pregnancy hormones. After that whole episode things got a little better. We learned that I had Placenta Previa and that since it was early they should move up on their own... which they did.

I am now almost 21 weeks pregnant with my sweet daughter and handsome son. Do we have names picked out? Yep!! They will be revealed officially on the baby shower and diaper party invitations. I am feeling both of them kick me quite often. We saw my stomach do some crazy moves for the first time last week which was AMAZING! Gene finally got to feel an official kick to the hand this week too which brought tears to my eyes seeing how excited he was.

To our beautiful twins:

You are already our world. Our lives revolve around you. We both love you so much and can't wait to see your faces and hear you cry on the day you are born. We hope you can hear us when we talk to you so that you know you are both loved so much already. You both hold a special place in my heart, Daddy's heart and all of our families hearts. You are both the most wanted and anticipated children and you will be loved so. We will see you soon... but not too soon! Stay safe and grow for at least another 14 weeks babes!

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

We Are The Champions, My Friends

This is it!

We have overcome the biggest part of our battle.  I never thought I would actually get to the day where I can report to everyone how many embryo babies we have in our pietre dish or share when the big day is... but we are here!

Gene and I are the proud parents of 10 embryos! Now the rest is up my body and God to grow 2 of these beautiful embryos into even more beautiful kids. I can truly say that I am more excited than nervous or anxious. Our transfer is scheduled to take place on Saturday morning at 9:30. I will be there at 9:00 with a full bladder, a good book to read while I'm by myself in the nearly upside down position in the recovery room, and a very happy heart. I could not be any more ready for this day. I pray that the transfer will be successful and that my body will accept my embryos. I acknowledge and understand that this is no longer in my hands and I think that is part of what makes me so ready for this. I've got my family, friends, faith and of course my sweet Grandma on my side.

I really want to say to everyone that reads my blog posts and comments on my Facebook posts, sends me texts, and continually follows up with me... thank you. Having so many wonderful, supportive, and understanding people in my life has really made this process less painful. I know I have not always been the most pleasant girl throughout this process and I am just so thankful for all of you! I hope that the next post I make will be some more great news!

Wish me luck, say some prayers, and cross everything you can for us!

Baby There Ain’t No Mountain High Enough… To Keep Me From You…..

Today is shot number 75. 75? I never thought I would be saying that. I can’t believe we have come this far. We still have our little routine down. Every night at the same time, my phone cries. Yes, cries... like a baby. Some of you have heard the sound. It definitely makes me laugh! That has been my ultimate goal throughout all of this... laughter, happiness, and positive energy. This has proven difficult while on Lupron although I will say it has gotten much easier! Yesterday I started Estradiol… yet another medication. This one has an entirely different bridge for me to pass over. It looks like birth control!!!!!!!!!!! For those of you who don’t know... I gag at the sight of anything that resembles birth control. I can’t tell if it is actually the pill that makes me want to throw up on or around myself, or just the sight of it along with my wonderful brain. Either way… this will be a fun two weeks! Two weeks you ask? Yep!!  Sometime during the week of the 12^th (most likely the 12^th or 13^th) we will be doing the egg retrieval… then 3-5 days later (most likely 5) we will be transferring our beautiful little pietre dish babies into my uterus.  We are cheering on twins! Come on twins! I decided that I would be willing to do this again for a second child, but not for a third… however I’m desperately praying that we get two at once so I don’t have to do this again. Gene supports me in this decision.

A few days ago I picked up my last batch of medication. I should have brought a shopping cart with me. Holy medications! I walked in to the Apothecary Shop and they say, “Hi Tanya”… which is cool and all but <sigh>… they know me just by my face. I am just so glad that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have 4 oral pills (1 of which is a steroid which should be tons of fun since I had to sign a WAIVER to take it) and then… I have a medication… let’s just say the object I have to use to administer this medication and the way I have to administer this medication is enough to make anyone cry. 15 more days… 15 more days….

Last week we had our mock session. Basically, they do exactly what they are going to do during the embryo transfer… just without our babies. Can I say, ouch? Apparently I have a curve of some sort between my cervix and my uterus so they have to curve the catheter around the bend. Gene looks at the screen and says, “Is it supposed to look like that?” My doctor says, “Well... No… but its ok”… then Gene says, “well, why does is it like that”... my response before Dr. Johnson even has a chance to respond… “Because… Why wouldn’t I have anything else wrong in there?” It was a pretty funny moment which actually posed a problem because I have never had to pee so badly in my life. I was terrified I was going to pee on the doctor and I’m pretty sure he was too. Ultimately, the appointment went great. My uterus is happy and healthy and is ready for some embryos. She was a little upset about the poking and prodding and balloons and dyes or whatever else was shoved in there (of course besides a baby) but we made it out ok.

On a different note, I learned something that really has put my mind at ease. It is a little difficult to explain the ease and relaxation I feel but I can start to explain by saying that my Grandma and I were extremely close. I am who I am today because of her and my mother and I miss her so much everyday although I know she is with me. She always used to tell me she would always be with me, even when she died. She passed away June 24^th, 2009 which also happened to be her birthday… except in the year 1920. Well, 40 weeks from the date of the proposed embryo transfer date is no other date than June 24^th. She is with me and it is such an amazing feeling.

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Forever Young

Since Landon has been here, I have been writing him letters about his days. I have been telling him what he’s done, silly things he has said, and memories we have made as a family here in Arizona. This is the first year I have done this for him and I wish I had done it in previous years. I am turning the letters into a scrapbook along with pictures so that when he is older, he will always have those memories. Being able to take a walk down memory lane is something that is really important to me so I want all of my children, including Landon, to have this experience… which  got me to thinking… why not start now? So, with that being said, I decided to start writing to my kid(s). Im writing one now, one when I am told that I am in fact pregnant by my IVF doctor, one after the birth and then after that… I’m thinking maybe milestones? Once a month? Once every 6 months? I haven’t decided on that part yet.. but I have time to think J

With all that I have been going through, I decided to share my first letter and put it out there for everyone to see. I hope that someday my kid(s) will read this letter and smile knowing that their Mom loved them so much before they were even a ripple in the Petri dish.

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June 23, 2011 

~My Dear Sweet Baby(s)~

This is my first letter to you and there will be many more to come. While I haven’t met you yet… or felt you move… or even seen you on a monitor… I want you to know that I love you more than words. I have been blessed with a unique opportunity to fall in love with you not only because I am your Mother, but because I am being forced to go to the ends of the earth to get you here with me. I am not yet pregnant with you but I can see your face(s), feel the touch of your soft skin, see your smile, and hear your laughter. I can see your Daddy’s face light up every time he sees you. Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. I have prayed for you to come naturally for years, but I think that this plan was what was in store for me and I am thankful for it now. It has made me a better person inside.  You and I have a special relationship… one that can’t be compared to any other. I love you for extra special reasons.. reasons that most mommy’s are not blessed with and for that I am thankful. It will be mine and your Daddy’s job in your life to make sure that you understand what life is all about… to help you and guide you through all the ups and downs. You don’t even know it yet, but you have shown me a side of life that I never knew existed …already. I promise to return the favor and guide you through life everyday.  A very smart man named Albert Einstein once said, "Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts." I have been able to see this situation as a positive one and I feel you in my heart always. It is YOU who is getting me through this. My first life lesson for you is to never give up. Don’t ever think you can’t, because you can. You can do anything you put your mind to. I learned this from your Grandma, but I have learned a whole new side of this now, more than ever.

I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always. As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be.

Love,

Mommy.



We've Only Just Begun



Last night was shot #5  and was by far the easiest one yet. I completed the shot with only a flinch. I didn’t cry, wine, or walk numerous circles around the kitchen table trying to ease my pain while my husband says, “walk it off, walk it off babe, walk it off”.  Today, the only complaint I have really is a headache and some moodiness. My appetite is much better than it has been since Friday although I’m still not myself.  I am hoping this is a sign that it will only get easier, not worse. Considering it is only day 5 I feel that we are on a good path. Yesterday my two Kep boys walked in the door, each with their hands behind their back. I could see orange flowers peeking up over the top of the mini Kep's head but kept my surprise face.  On the count of 3, they each gave me a beautiful bouquet of flowers. This made my day! Knowing I have people behind me… supporting me through this entire journey… is what keeps my spirits up! Seeing the little step-dude’s face when he gave me my flowers was so sweet. While he has no idea what exactly is going on… he knew that he made my day a little easier and that was precious. Speaking of the mini Kep; people have asked me, “Does it make it harder for you going through this having a step son?” The answer to that question is, “No freakin’ way!  He makes this easier!”  That little  boy is the sweetest, kindest kid you will ever meet. His heart bleeds whenever yours does. I hope my kid(s) is just like his big brother. I will say this though… 6 year old + vegetables= pulling my hair out. Lets throw a variable in there and call it Lupron and I belong in the circus. Oh, and speaking of circus… we are taking Landon there tonight as a surprise! Should be a great way to get my mind off everything and just relax for a few hours. 5 shots down... approximately 27 to go!! Closer everyday....

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Oh, you know we've got to find a way... To bring some understanding here today

What's going on you ask? Yes, it has been a while. Not much has happened but at the same time we have progressed leaps and bounds. Here is what my life has entailed the past 4 days...

On Wednesday of last week I got a call from my beloved IVF nurse, Kim. Her and I have become BFF’s… well she has become my BFF… I would imagine the feeling is NOT mutual J She had nothing but good news for me and I was so excited! We were moving along! The next step was to call on cycle day 1. This made me anxious because I knew that cycle day 1 SHOULD be in about 5 days… however I knew it wouldn’t come… and I was right. So then this past Wednesday… a week later, Kim called me again to see when I thought cycle day 1 would be.. my response was, “It should have been 5 days ago, so I have no clue”. Of course. She decided to send me in for blood work to see if I had ovulated. If I had, then I had the option to not take birth control and do shots only. That would mean that I would have to do 2 more weeks of shots than originally anticipated. This actually sounded good to me because even just thinking about birth control makes me want to vomit. Seriously, just looking at a piece of candy that slightly resembles a birth control pill I go into dry heaves SO… this was somewhat exciting news… I might not have to take birth control… now just to get past the blood work. We have learned in the past that I most definitely do not ovulate each month. This was a shot in the dark. I went in for blood work on Thursday. I sat down in the cold plastic chair and placed my arm in the ever so familiar position. The phlebotomist asked me, “Do you have a preferred arm?” to which I responded, “ Yep, the one with the deep crater in it”. He laughed at me… I have to make light of the dark situation I am in. We chatted while 4 tubes filled with my blood. I got to choose, pink or green tape… I chose pink. Afterward, I went and got Only 8 Frozen Yogurt… my favorite… and a tradition  for after blood draws because it is right next door. I hardly slept that night because of how nervous I was. At least this whole IVF thing is preparing me for a baby in the sense that I do not sleep much. Friday morning, Kim called me. I was terrified to pick up the phone… but to my surprise she had good news.. I ovulated! I could not wait to leave work that day… I was going to pick up my medication at the Apothecary! Once 3 o’clock finally came around, I left work and headed to the shop.. I picked up my medication vile and needles and ran home. As soon as Gene got home, we decided on a time to give myself the shot everyday (it has to be at the same time). We decided on 9 o’clock. We knew we would both be home at that time and about to go to bed.

Shot, Day 1: I removed the cap from the vile, removed the cap from the needle, stared at the needle, stared at the vile, looked at Gene, and said , “I’m scared”. His response was, “ Really? You use needles every day at work….” This was different, and he understood. I was giving myself a shot… this was new. I placed the needle in the vile and drew back 20 cc’s of medication. My heart started racing. I pinched my stomach, cleaned it with rubbing alcohol, waited about 20 seconds, and stuck myself. I plunged the liquid into my stomach and watched it go from 20 cc’s, 10 cc’s, down to zero. I immediately had a bruise where the needle had been. I sighed… not much else was said.


Shot, Day 2: Gene went to a football game and wasn’t going to be home till about 10:30… but he wanted me to wait for him… so I did. When he got home, he took over preparing the needle for me. The process went slightly smoother than day 1, however the aftermath was horrendous.  Immediately after I removed the needle (this time from the right side of my tummy) I started bawling. I fell into Gene’s arms and cried. He knew it wasn’t from the pain of the needle, or the stinging of the medication as it enters my skin, but from the disbelief that I am having to go through this. It was a moment of weakness… a moment of “why me?”. I needed it… and I am sure I will need it again.


At this point in time I was starting to feel some of the side effects I was told and read could happen. Some of the symptoms I may or may not experience while taking this drug include:


dizziness, general body pain, headache, hot flashes, loss of appetite, nausea or vomiting, stuffy nose, trouble sleeping, weakness, breast tenderness, constipation, decreased sexual desire or ability, sweating; infection (fever, chills, sore throat), nausea or vomiting, pain, redness, or swelling at the injection site.


Wow.


So far… the general body pain, hot flashes, loss of appetite, headaches, and weakness are the worst. I have also had some numbness and tingling in my hands and legs which is kinda weird… oh and did I mention.. I AM INSANE!!! One minute I love life and everyone around me, the next, I want to take my husband and through him against the wall, let my dogs run through the streets, and lock myself in the bathroom and never come out. I will say however; I am not hating the loss of appetite thing!


As time goes on, I hope this gets easier. I am trying to keep positive, pray, talk to my Gramma, do everything I can to get myself through this. I know I am not alone in this… but that does not make it any easier. I have 4-5 weeks of the shots… 3 shots down… approximately 32 more to go. I can do this.


In the end, I have to keep asking myself, “Is this worth having a child?” My response to myself is and always will be…”without a doubt in my mind”.

My 9 o’clock date